Anchor

Dear Caleb,


You just turned five and suddenly look like it overnight! You look so much like your dad. Blonde, straw-like hair that I have to wet, comb and gel fanatically each morning. Long arms, long legs, skinny. You act like your dad too. I laugh at your inquiries and quirks because I get a glimpse of what Daddy was like when he was your age.

Your favorite thing to do with me right now is wrestle. One day soon you will realize that the other boys don’t typically wrestle with their moms- and most moms are not trained grapplers. You will feel both lucky and cheated. Sorry. You also are prone to wrestle with me emotionally these days. You are stubborn.  Just like me. While your similarities with your father bond you to him, our similarities cause dispute.

My favorite thing to do with you right now is read- whether you are reading to me for your daily chore or I am reading to you from a chapter book before bed. It is a quiet time that exposes the interworking of your mind, and its maturity. A level of maturity I marvel at. At the end of most days, as I tuck you into bed, I come to the conclusion that your little body has not caught up to your vivacious spirit and regret being less-than tender with you throughout the day. Right now we are reading James and the Giant Peach together and you love it. You laugh at all the right spots. Your humor affectionately reminds me of your dad- his humor being the quality that made me fall in love with him.

I fall in love with you frequently. I have learned that for you I could not be the type of mom I envisioned as a young woman. There would be occasions for softness and gentleness, but what you needed most was my candor and reproach. You are very independent with no credit due to me. That is who you have always been. You thrive with order. Much like me, you realize with organization there comes a freedom of flexibility for creativity.  This is why I think you want to be a chef or, your latest aim, an architect when you are older because they are careers of sequences, measurements- exactness but have an element of inventiveness.  Find a career that feeds both your need for control and creation. Being your mom has fed mine.

Other activities you enjoy are the outdoors, building things… castles, towers, houses, cabins, hobbit holes (Daddy read a few chapters from The Hobbit to you one evening and you haven’t forgotten about it), fences, tents, bridges, churches, schools, temples, factories, the list goes on… and doing crafts. You are looking forward to going camping and taking swimming lessons again this summer. Every day is a grab bag of emotions regarding our pending move to Texas- some days you are excited, other days you are anxious.

The thing you least enjoy is cleaning the playroom, but it is on your chore chart so I encourage you to do it to help our family. You have trouble focusing and get overwhelmed by the task. I usually have to sit in the room while you pick-up, so I roll call (your suggestion) the toys you are to pick up next- first the bricks, then the Lincoln Logs, then the babies and books go back upstairs, vehicles go in the green tub, etc. I try to trip you up by making incorrect suggestions and you laugh, tell me I’m wrong and do it correctly despite my protest.

The reason I am writing this letter is to not forget something, but more importantly so you don’t forget something. A while ago I found a song that perfectly describes our relationship. It makes me tear up every single time and I don’t want to misplace it. The song is Anchor by MindyGledhill.

Caleb, during a time when absolutely nothing could keep me grounded, you were my anchor. You became my purpose, my pleasant distraction. I will spend the rest of your life being your biggest supporter and fan. I wouldn’t have you any other way. I love you, Elias.


Your anchor,

Mommy

clear eyes. full hearts. can't lose.

Three weeks ago we visited the University of Texas in Austin. While Mike went through the usual hoopla with the faculty, I was left to myself for the day. The kids were back in Massachusetts with a dear (not to mention brave) friend of ours.
I stayed near campus and spent most of the day walking the length of it, museum-hopping. I was very... overwhelmed? impressed? Our undergraduate studies were at Northern Arizona University which is a very cozy campus then Mike attended Harvard. I mean, Harvard is pretty big, but the layout is very scattered since it is an older college and had to evolve due to growth. I think a taxi driver I spoke with described the campus at UT-Austin perfectly when he said, "It is like the Vatican. A city within a city."
I took a break from campus to hobble (seriously, hobbling because I wore flats on this trek) to the Institute of Religion, a block or so from campus. I spoke with the secretary there and asked about neighborhoods, school districts, whether or not the college was family-friendly. I have to say I had to suppress several smirks as she told me about the area. I'm sure she was telling me what she thought I wanted to know- about how the church is "vibrant" in Austin, and also warning me about how "liberal" the area is. I have lived in Massachusetts for last five years, lady. I grew up in Flagstaff. I assure you I could handle living in a red state again. What I'm not sure I can handle is living in a cul-de-sac ward with book clubs, an endless parade of handouts, and centerpieces- all the excess junk I have been ridden of since I have been in a branch. What you call "vibrant" I see as dull. But that's just me, and who I am.
When I got back to the hotel room I put my feet in an ice-cold bath and thought long and hard. No doubt about it, Austin had a good school with a strong Latter-day Saint community. I remembered some counsel about community that our branch president gave us almost a year ago. Then I got this distinct impression that the place I needed to be most was with my husband, that a lot of the things we enjoyed- even church service, would be compressed to lighten our load, but I needed to be faithful because my efforts, as a wife and mother, would be the standard for my family and be of great influence to them.
This impression- no matter how comforting or flattering- was a big fat red flag for me. Odds were with an impression like that we were not going to end up somewhere I wanted, and this was a way to prepare me for that outcome. I love my Heavenly Father. He knows me and knows I am a stubborn daughter. A beloved daughter, sure, but still stubborn (and sort of snarky).

I had been praying fervently about this decision for months, but did not receive a definite answer until Monday, March 4th, the day after Fast Sunday. I was sitting at the computer and the thought came to mind that I should pray about Austin again, so I paused my project and did just that.
I love the confirmation that comes through the Holy Ghost. People describe it differently, and it isn't always the same from person to person or even experience to experience. You usually hear about feeling warmth in your heart, and I have had that too. But for me, personally, when I ask the big questions my confirmation makes me feel enveloped with a loving presence, it is if hands have been placed on my upper arms tenderly. For some that may sound weird, but for me it is a caring gesture and calming sensation that reminds me to be still and know my Father is God.
I quickly typed Mike an e-mail about the experience. I wrote something cryptic like "I got the 'okay' from the Big Guy that we can go to you-know-where. Just waiting for you to confirm." To which he replied, "Yeah, I did yesterday. I just didn't think I should tell you yesterday. I guess this is the reason why - so that you could get your answer. :)"
I can't express how important that was to me. Sure, you could say I got my answer in Austin. I basically handed off the baton to Mike to make the decision, but once he had, God still wanted me to have a witness of His blessing on our family's endeavors. I'm not just a bystander.

So, that's it.

We are moving to Austin this summer. I'm waiting for that to be natural to communicate to others but I'm not holding my breath! In the meanwhile we are re-watching Friday Night Lights in preparation for our great migration. And, I have to say how much I love the Taylors. Best television couple ever.