I took to motherhood like a brick covered in feathers took to flight, so I imagine that it surprised others and even my husband that I was talking about the next child only a few weeks after Caleb was born. February – I decided- would be when we would start trying for the next child. No one can blame Michael’s hesitancy on the subject. We were sleep deprived and his wife was a feathered-brick, afterall. In September he went to the temple to ask about the matter and came back with a name and approval. The name would be as important as the approval, both a source of strength.
February and March came and went. In April, I took a pregnancy test and received a faint line. Appointments were arranged, the customary blood test was conducted.
Looking back, it is easy to see that life, in general, is just a compilation of moments that during the occurrence thereof seem matchless, but in perspective they are naught.
When I received the results of my first blood test, that my progesterone level was low, the sadness I felt- it was indescribable. I was told there was a possibility of miscarriage and was suggested to go on supplements. I declined the supplements, trusting my body knew best since it had thrived a perfectly normal pregnancy once before.
During the routine 8th week ultrasound the baby was measuring small, but otherwise healthy. Three days later, I started to bleed. After several days of bleeding, I suspected I had miscarried, it was a Sunday, and our small family stayed home from church to grieve. Two weeks later, still bleeding, I went in for another ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage, only to discover the baby was still intact with a strong heartbeat. Sadly, the ultrasound technician identified cystic hygroma, this led to three more ultrasounds with a pre-natal specialist. The fifth ultrasound during the 12th week concluded that there was no cyctsic hygroma present. Precautionary blood tests were taken, such as the integrated blood test to screen for spina bifida and downs syndrome. I bled from the 8th week of pregnancy to the 12th, I was poked and prodded, I was told the worst news and the best- it was a time of growth, to say the least.
Last Monday, my integrated results were released: abnormal. 1:5 chance of abnormality, specifically 20% of DS, Tri8 or Spinal Bifida.
Our ultrasound appointment was scheduled for Friday, I can say that I have traveled to the recesses of the human condition within those four days. Both in utter darkness and in brilliance.
Now, you may think “20%” is great odds, but in reality, a person is not a percentage, a person is a person. 1:5, means four other people are standing in the room with YOU.
Thursday evening I went to the temple, to compose myself, to seek guidance and to gain comfort. It was the absolute experience, and I am glad I have a place to go like the temple.
I left feeling that I could do anything, truly endowed.
During the ultrasound the technician could not get a good view of the gender. Through the extensive procedure though, our prenatal specialist identified markers of Trisomy 18.
Our baby has a slim chance of making it to full term and even a lower chance of survival after birth.
I feel for my doctor as he described the diagnosis and related our options to us. He counseled us about our relationships and our psyches. This is his profession: to deliver observations. How his observations will influence the patient and their life is out of his hands. He said something memorable, “I have yet to find a word to describe it, but a baby is like a sacred object, and when a regular person dies we eulogize them and don’t talk about the fact he was a drunk, but in this case, the baby is perfect and that can be difficult for people to come to terms with.”
I offered, “It’s like they are exalted. Exalted beings.”
He liked that.
At the end of our appointment, he told me I was lovely and therefore lovable and a great mother. He gave me a hug and said goodbye.
This is our long road to N.H. The realization of this journey brings me to tears because I am so glad that I know the course of this existence does not end at death. And that my son (yes, that is what we believe) will have his perfect body someday, but for now I’m grateful for the opportunity to be a vessel and a means for him to fulfill the measure of his creation.
