A few disclaimers before I begin this post:
First, I am no way a child development expert. I am only a mother, but as so, I believe in a God who ordains women to nurture and rear His children, granting those women needed insights in fulfilling this sacred responsibility. This has been my experience with my son and other “Screws” I have “mothered” and the insights that have come from day-to-day desperation and petition to an understanding Father.
Secondly, we are all a little bit “Screwy” and there is nothing wrong with being a Screw. I debated entitling this blog post “Taming the Screw” but despite the clever pun it did not convey the correct message. I am not trying to break or tame my son, I am raising him. He is not a disaster; he is a beautifully orchestrated person. He was masterfully made, and my husband and I recognize that. God needs both Screws and Nails to build his Kingdom.
Thirdly, this post is mainly meant for me. To remind me of those insights I have been granted in the nurturing and raising of my son. If this post ends up assisting others, that would be just gravy.
Two nights ago around 11:45 Nathanael, my youngest, decided that the old adage about misery and company was true. He has been teething recently and was miserable. Since the semester was coming to a close, Michael was occupied with his schoolwork. This left me on call to Nate and his assaulting molars. It was around 2:30 in the morning, after doses of Tylenol and teething tablets and lovin’ had been administered that I decided it was time to put Nate back into his crib, so I could get some sleep.
I got comfortable on the couch, so I wouldn’t have to hear him cry, and said a prayer because I was feeling bad for my sonshine and like a maternal failure. When you are exhausted, you are warned about operating heavy machinery. In addition to that that warning I would mention heavy meditation unless you want big answers. I prayed that angels would attend my sons while I rested for just a little while and that I was sorry for being impatient and that I needed help being a better mother. And before I went to sleep a thought came into my mind. And it was this…
Caleb is a screw.
Nathanael is a nail.
I could have just chalked the odd thought up to fatigue and moved on, but I kept thinking about it the next day. And the next day (which is today). And I have come to the conclusion that truer words were never spoken about my sons.
Indeed, Caleb is a screw, and Nate (without a doubt) is a nail.
A screw has rivets, is threaded, so when placing it into wood or other materials it needs to be rotated. Repeated rotation drives the screw in deeper. It takes more time to place a screw, but it hard to remove unless you have the right tool. Screws are used on projects when strength is needed.
A nail is smooth and is driven into wood or other materials with little effort or force. Nails are faster for construction - you drive a nail in and move on. Generally we use nails for light-weight projects or aesthetic-related projects such as, roofing, flooring or hanging pictures.
Often a person who is a Screw is:
- imaginative
- resourceful
- methodical
- curious
- passionate
- intense
- extreme or almost bipolar
- intellectual
- silly, easily excited
- contemplative
- precise
- determined
- inventive
- detached
- easily aggravated if thrown off “groove”
- detail-oriented
- one who is sensitive to patterns, can recognize trends easily
- consistent
Do you know and love a Screw? Me too! (I married one in fact.)
Screws tend to be the best teachers because of the way they learn. Screws assemble their knowledge of a subject by dissembling the topic. Since they have digested the topic, they can reach a variety of students with diverse levels of understanding.
Screws choose a subject or activity not because they are accomplished in that given field, but because they are fascinated by it. That fascination is what makes them successful.
You can recognize a Screw by how they speak to you. These are the people who take three minutes to tell you a 15 second anecdote. They want you to know the context because they believe it will deepen your understanding of the tale. It eludes them that their audience can possibly draw connections and conclusions for themselves.
Possibly, when you read the above list of qualities you thought of autism and its vast spectrum. I am convinced that the severely autistic are Screws that have already been fastened into place and are just waiting for the rest of us to catch up. : )
So, your child is Screw, now what?
In simplest terms: find their groove. Establish a routine and explore an assortment of subjects, hobbies and activities that they might enjoy.What Screws Love…
Predictable Routines and Being Informed.
Caleb thrives on routines and has grown to ask daily about possible variables such as if people are coming over to our house or if we are going outside that day. Explaining and describing the day’s agenda to a Screw is very important. It is a source of comfort. I started talking to Caleb about our routine when he was an infant and only got more descriptive as his comprehension advanced.Collecting and Observing.
At an early age you will notice your Screw likes to collect things. This is an outward practice of their internal process. They observe and put things in order. They will also be less likely to join in with others during play. They will be the ones on the outskirts of the circle watching. They aren’t being anti-social for them this is play and study.Caleb recently has been observing the seeds we started. I made a calendar and each day Caleb would draw what he observed. Activities similar to this are great for Screws. They also like sorting and arranging.
Quiet Time and “Nothing” Box.
Caleb enjoys playtime by himself because it allows him to play/process the day’s activities. He spends his time constructing towers and pretending. Screws have Nothing Boxes too.Themes.
Every two weeks when I haul Caleb’s stack of books to the circulation desk I am usually asked if I am a teacher because the books have a common theme and surely I must be teaching a thematic unit. Our favorite librarian, Nancy, always smiles and says “Looks like Caleb is interested in [insert topic]Repetition.
Repeated rotation drives the Screw in deeper. Your child is going to rely on repetition and reviewing for secular learning and for their behavior. Flashcards are helpful for secular, but don’t rely on them. The best form of repetition is a routine and the best method of reviewing is conversation with your child. Don’t get frustrated when your child becomes absentminded just help remind them of the forgotten and review it with them.Responsibility.
All children need chores and to help out around the house, but a Screw craves them. It helps him bring order to his home. Caleb’s favorite chore is putting away the silverware, but he also enjoys putting clothes away, setting the table, preparing ingredients for meals, and wiping off the table. Tell your child they are a hard-working and give lots of hugs.Praise and Concurring.
Screws like to be genuinely congratulated for accomplishments, but if you really want a Screw to feel loved you agree with them. You concur that the observation they made was insightful, that their field of study is interesting and that their hobbies are worth-while.Tough Love: What Screws Need but Don’t Want
This is the hardest part of being a parent, making sure your child's needs are met.Friends.
Your Screw doesn’t see the need for friends. But your Screw will have to interact with people throughout their life, so exposure to humankind is a good investment. Join a playgroup, drop in on a story hour, sign-up for a class. All your child needs is that one good friend. Quality over quantity.New Things.
Getting a child to try something new is hard enough, but with a Screw it is nearly impossible. The key is to try new things not like new things. They have to try it, but don’t have to like it. This includes foods, places, people, and activities.Understand Social Mores.
Teach your child about emotions (sad, mad, happy, scared) using a book featuring children’s facial expressions. Teach them manners. Begin teaching them about rudeness versus politeness at an early age. You will have to enlighten your Screw when they are being rude because they won’t notice. (Yes, think Sheldon Cooper. He is completely a Screw.)Conversation.
Asking your child questions about his day and the things he enjoys will help his speech and social development. Your child is aloof and won’t want to be pulled out from his shell, but prodding won’t harm him.Hard Love- What is Difficult for Parents.
Directness and Consistency.
When it comes to a Screw you have to speak plainly in sparse words. Because everything about your parenting is a routine to the Screw. If it takes you five minutes to get your child to follow directions it is going to take you five minutes every time. Not because they are disobedient but because they expect the whole routine every single time. It’s the order that compels them to obey. Their obedience is usually a result not an active choice (at least this is the case in early childhood). The success of your parenting is using their understanding of cause and effect. You need rules and consequences and you need to be consistent with them, so the rules become a routine for the child.Sports.
Every child should play a sport and yours is no exception. Find something. Dance, gymnastics, track, and tennis are not considered social sports but are great exercise. Don’t shy away from team sports. Give them a chance. Don’t expect him to be exceptional but expect the experience to be enriching and edifying.Limited Screen Time.
Your Screw’s mind wasn’t meant to sit in front of a screen (actually none of ours were). It will dull his senses and his creativity, not to mention he will become irritable. Of all the things your child will immerse himself in video games and television will be the least productive. Recreational activities tend to turn into habitual with Screws. Beware.Not a Screwball.
It is a hard balancing act to accommodate your child but not pamper or hinder them. Your job as a parent to raise this child to be able to function in society as an independent, upstanding citizen. Being a Screw is an asset and will not hinder your child in any way. All children are taught tools by their parents that will help them navigate through life. For example, for Caleb that has meant learning to count to five and take a deep breath when things catch him off guard or going to his room to calm down instead of getting frustrated and holding others hostage to his rigid ideals.Raising Caleb is awesome. He is brilliant, and curious about the world around him. He is tender and thinks being a big brother to Nate is a real joy. I absolutely love my son, and he is only going to grow better with age as he matures and finds his niche (his father is proof of that). I just need to remember sometimes that he processes things differently than I do and needs extra encouragement. Just like all kids.
